Fuck You, Mr. White-Minivan

So, I just got home from work… an hour and a half later.  Why?  Because I was in a five car accident.  No, it wasn’t my fault, for the few that may think that.  Some dick wad in a white minivan was speeding along, even though we were all clearly stopped ahead of him, and he slams into a silver CR-V behind me which ends up hitting me.  I proceed to get my mind on right and pull to the shoulder.  I get out and pass the first car, the Honda CR-V that had two adults and two children in the back seat (one being in a car seat for toddlers).  They’re fucked up, and I watch as a kindhearted, off duty nurse who pulled off to help, proceed to help them and I ask if they’re okay.  By this time the cops are on the way, so she said she has them covered.  I see a man with his two year old who only got clipped by the bumbling idiot known solely as Mr. White-Minivan.  I proceed to talk to the father and ask if they are okay.  ”We hardly got hit,” he says, and we walk over to the minivan.  This guy is groaning and bitching about he may or may not have broken his leg.  My immediate response should’ve been, “well, now your arm’s going to be broken, you dipshit.”  I refrain and just walk past.  That guy just put a family of four all on gurneys leaving towards the hospital within 30 minutes of the accident.  If you want sympathy, you have the wrong Christ, my “friend.”  All I hope is that you have insurance and can last long enough to pay me off for the inconvenient drive home I just encountered.

Words of Wisdom: Shitty drivers are one of my biggest pet peeves, and now, my sworn enemy.  IF you are one, steer clear of my path (Pun in-fucking-tended).

Kiss my ass, dingleberry.

With the utmost sincerity,

Christ

I found it! (warning: possibly offensive)

There are plenty of speculations that there is a God. So many people think it is wrong to be 100% Atheist. Well, I got news for you guys; there isn’t a God, and I’m going to give you my reasons as to why he is a myth, in my opinion. It’s not whether I believe in God anymore, it has become, “do you believe in anything, Curt?” The answer to that question is no. I believe when you die, you are done; there is no magical place you end up where everybody from the past greets you. I think I need to again emphasize that this is my opinion and nobody needs to get all upset over my words.
My first topic is the fact that everybody says he’s real based solely on the bible. I mean, of course this character is going to seem realistic in a book that is trying it’s hardest to make the life of a simple man into something preposterous. After all, who actually knows Jesus Christ died for our sins? Doesn’t anybody think maybe he was a little nutty or something? The world is filled with people thinking they are invincible or they can run at the speed of light, and everybody around them thinks they are crazy. So, I have a question for people who believe in God: aren’t these noted feats a lot more realistic than saying you’re going to die for our sins? I think so.
Next, God is a figment of our imagination, like a Santa Claus type being. Call me weird, but I’m pretty sure these two people are just like one another. They both are said to bring joy. They both are said to be watching us to see if we are doing the right things in life. They both, in one way or another, punish us if we are bad: a lump of coal or going to hell. If most people do not believe in good old Saint Nick, why do the majority of people on Earth believe in a God? Can some of the parents out there actually think, “Santa isn’t real, but bless my child’s little heart for believing in him. That reminds me, I need to go to church on Sunday and pray to a being that is much like Mr. Claus, but does in fact exist?” Are you kidding me?
Another great reason for me to believe he isn’t real is the question of where did he come from? I’ve heard people rave about humans being such a greatly designed figure, there must be a higher power that designed us. If that’s true, then the being that made us has to be even better designed. Wouldn’t that mean that there is something even higher than him and something higher than that? The chain could go on forever. It is hard to fathom, but these people have to read more deeply into their own ideas and questions. Maybe then, they’ll see that they could be wrong.
Also, I recall a certain student in our class say, “If you are Atheist, then that means you believe that when you die, you will just end, there will be no continuation for your life. Who would want to believe that?” My first reaction to this statement is, “so that’s the only reason people believe in God, so they are not afraid to die?” If that’s the only reason, that makes no sense to me at all. My second reaction to this is, “if this is true, why did people believe that the Hale Bopp Cult suicide was ridiculous?” There’s no difference between the two. They thought that there was no reason to be afraid of death because there was a better place in the aftermath of their demise. I see no variation between these.
My other thought is God being the easy way out of a lot of hard questions. I’ve been in this conversation before. “Where did people come from, mommy? Oh, God created all that is living.” That’s a lot easier than saying, “people evolved from chimps, son.”
Also, all this about Christ being mighty and able to cure the disabled is a joke to me. The bible says he made a blind man see. The original story could have been that he met a man outside that worked in the hot, bright sun all day long. His eyes could’ve been bothering him, so Christ said he should come inside with him to rest. When he went inside, he no longer had to squint and was able to see well. It is like the telephone game. We have only kids playing this game for a reason.
In conclusion, I know I was brutally forward and up front with all of my thoughts, but I felt it to be the only way to get my points across to people that read this paper. I said what I had to say, and I think I make a great case on the subject. Now it’s your turn. Think about the question and answer it. Then, think of reasons to back up your thoughts. You’ll be proud of yourself for knowing what is truly in your heart.

“Famous” People

I tell you what, there’s a lot of people considered famous that I just can’t seem to comprehend how they maintained that status.  I’m going to go through a list and if you have any ideas as to how and/or why they are where they are, feel free to leave a comment.  This’ll be just a list of ten that pop into my head… No particular order, but I have a feeling, this won’t be the only list I make.

1. Kim Kardashian – What the fuck?  You got railed by Brandy’s little brother on camera and are somehow relevant?  I don’t even have much to say about you.  You’re a famous groupie that fucked a miniscule “star” and evidently that gives you the right to have your own TV show with your atrocious sister?  Hollywood strikes again…

2.  Perez Hilton – Oh my fucking Christ… This guy is the epitome of a douche.  For starters, he got famous ripping into celebrities (wow, am I a hypocrite) and gossiping about what the Olsen twins ate the previous night.  Secondly, you’re an Adam Lambert fan.  Your reasoning: Because he’s talented.  Translation: You like the bulge poking through his bought-that-way torn jeans.  To make matters worse, you try to come across as serious at times, but you draw semen dribble on the photos of celebrities you hate.  You’re worse than a 7th grader going through the yearbook and X-ing out the people who made fun of you for being fat.  You’re a child.

3.  Paris Hilton – I’m not even going to elaborate long on this one.  It’s obvious you could have a more meaningful conversation with a cum rag than this broad.  If it meant never seeing this girl on magazines, TV, and/or movies, I’d take a swift kick in the jimmy from a mule.

4. P. Diddy – You’re famous because your friend died.  You’re an asshole.  Biggie was amazing and one of the most influential hip hop artists to ever grace this Earth with his presence.  You, on the other had, make “I miss you, J Lo” songs, you sad bastard.  If Notorious B.I.G. were alive, he’d pistol whip the shit out of you.

5. Ryan Seacrest – Fuck you.

6. Tom Cruise – I’ll give you a partial pass for being in classic films such as Top Gun (which I personally hate) and Interview With A Vampire (which I personally love).  Once you went to Scientology and statutory raping Katie Holmes into getting pregnant, your cool points plummeted.

7. Justin Bieber – You little sly bastard.  You are freshly out of 7th or 8th grade, and you are writing songs that come off cheesier than the Thong Song.  You just got your permit and on Google News today, it said you went on a date with Kim Kardashian.  (I have to admit though; she’s way worse than you, if she thinks you’re dreamy) And no, I’m not fucking kidding… I wish I was… http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1286378/Justin-Bieber-16-holidays-Kim-Kardashian-29.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

8. Anybody and everybody from the Twilight movies – I’m blown away that you are this high profiled.  It’s ridiculous.  Kirsten Stewart fits the role of celebrity: she looks like a malnourished crack head who blows guys for a fix. To the fans of these flicks, reevaluate your choices.

9. Bam Margera – Haven’t heard from him in a while, but he’s the main person that received fame from being an utter retard.  This guy’s worse than Corky from Life Goes On.  He became popular from beating his father, pissing his mother off, and doing the dumbest, most idiotic stunts known to man.  At least Knoxville did it with class (kidding; or am I?).

10. Carson Daly – You son of a bitch…

That’s just a small portion of the people whom irritate the crap out of me.  I’m getting angry just writing about it,s o I’m quitting.  I’ll be back for more people when I think of them. (I should probably be happy that these are the only sperm bubbles I could think of at the moment)

Words of Wisdom: Don’t let these bastards become your role models.  All you’re going to do is ensure that your family tree is uprooted from a hurricane of stupidity.

Can I get my own TV show already?,

Christ

25 Kinda Feels Old, But Mature-ish…

Okay, so I just turned 25 about a week and a half ago, and I went out to eat with a buddy of mine.  We sat at the bar and behind its wooden frame on the wall as a sign.  ”If you were born before May 25, 1989, you can buy alcohol at this establishment.” Wow.  It completely threw me for a loop.  The reason: next year, people who were born in 1990 can buy alcohol.  I mean, Jesus, 1990′ers are going to be 21 next year?!  That’s insane.  It sort of put things in perspective because I’m only four years older, but I feel like I’m their elder.  And, with how fast society has evolved, I can completely blow their mind on certain things I did back in the “good ol’ days”.  ”I had to wait 2 months before the girl would let me sleep with her,” or, “I had to buy my own PS2/XBox because I was just old enough to have a job, and you were just young enough to get it for the hell of it.”  A lot can change in just 4 years, anymore.  When I was 16 in 2001, I spent my free time hanging out with friends and enjoying the small things in life.  When they were 16 in 2006, they spent their free time banging 14 years old and already have a little guy that sorta resembled them call them mom or dad.  So, in conclusion, I know this post was a jumbled cluster-fuck of thoughts, but that sign clearly had my mind going and just got me thinking.

Words of Wisdom:  Girls that were born in 1992, are 18 this year.  If that doesn’t make you feel old, then it probably just turns you on, and I applaud you, sir.

Until I think of something raunchy again,

Christ

Silly People And Their Photo Etiquette

I just ranted about this with a buddy of mine and I think it’s necessary to mention it… People throwing up gang signs in photos is asinine.  The worst one, though, is the peace sign.  The peace sign is a gang sign nowadays anyway, because the majority of you act “hood” when you do it.  I love the “nice” pictures of a group of people all dressed up and then you always have the one douche bag smiling, in a button up or suit or something, and with a peace sign.  It doesn’t look natural, so what exactly is going through that person’s head to make them think it’s necessary?  Second in line is the random middle finger.  I’ve been known for that, but smiling and flipping the bird makes no sense.  It’s an oxymoronic move.  Thirdly, is the “rock on” with the pointer and pinky up.  Yeah, you look really metal in your Ed Hardy t-shirt, champ. The fourth would be the thumbs up.  Who gives a thumbs up anymore unless they’re just kidding around like a dorky, cheesy pose?  I should start throwing out the “hard on” in photos, because it’s all relative.  I could go on for days about this…

Until the next random thought,

Christ

Guess Who’s Back?

So, I’ve been procrastinating on this blog so I’m using this one to post my own personal 10 Commandments.  Yeah, you all know me as the Atheist you love to hate, but I’m a great person (well, at least in my own opinion).  Honestly, I think that I am following certain guidelines in order to live for a purpose or as a decent human being.  I think my 10 Commandments will basically justify the partially retarded things I say/do/think/etc.

1.  Thou shall think for thyself.

Honestly, the fact that the majority of our adolescents are controlled by media, whether it be Ed Hardy (my arch-nemesis) or watching their favorite singer/actress become another deceased person after a drug binge gone awry or pregnant by the umpteenth mistake of their glorified life, they allow materials and faux role models become their influence rather than their own opinions or their parents.  I don’t blame them, because they’re all stupid at this age.  I blame the dumb fucking parents that did the exact same thing their “idols” taught them.  All it has become is a vicious cycle of debauchery that makes me ill just thinking about.  Grow up you “adults;” you are the role models now.  Deal with it.

2.  Thou shall read once in a while.

The fact that our generation has become numb off of movies, video games, and internet porn is appalling (even though, I’m the #1 fan of all three (Insert wink emoticon here)).  Nobody reads anymore, or focuses on the news of today.  Grab a book/newspaper/Time magazine and see what’s going on in the world as opposed to an apocalypse in a goddamn game/movie.  Jesus, I deal with half of you idiots on a daily basis saying, “I want to axe you a question.”  I will openly say, if you weren’t a customer and you said “axe” or “finna” in my presence, you are getting a wrench drilled into your pee hole.  Take that shit to the bank, you chimps.

3.  Thou shall not lie.

These are the shit stains of my existence.  I can understand a little white lie from time to time to possibly protect somebody or anything along those lines, but people that lie just for the sake of it really irritate me.  The worst are the little bastards that lie for status.  You really think I’m going to believe you banged 7 chicks at once and on top of that, think you’re a god for it?  Try again.  Or people that down other folks in their lie to make themselves look higher than thou.  Jesus H. Christ… If you think I’ll believe that, then I’m a 40 year old black woman.

4. Thou shall not think higher of thyself.

Rich people make me sick.  Not because I’m jealous, but because 99.999999999% of them are absolute dickheads.  At that point (when you’re pooping out Benjamins and have the personal worth of a cum stain), nobody around you is real.  They will never give a damn about you except for the fat bank account they may see someday if they “like” you enough to make it into your will, and you still think you’re better than us?  I’d rather keep my life, thanks.  Oh, and for the other knuckle-heads that think they’re higher than me, I didn’t mention you because you’re meaningless.

5.  Thou shall not be a dribbling idiot.

Pretty self explanatory.  Too many people are retarded (and that’s giving actual retards a bad rap).  At least they can’t help it.  The other portion of the population are just stupid and never have an opinion/idea/thought of their own.  I hope Corey from the Facts of Life finds you cretins and hits you in the face with his retard strength.

6.  Thou shall not have a kid accidentally

I know I’m going to catch shit for this one, but I swear it’s not directed at the parents my age that I know; you guys and gals actually spend time with your kid.  I’m just sick of seeing barflies trying to bang the next thing night in and night out and neglect the kid(s) they’ve already pooped out.  Or the ones that have the kid and then want nothing to do with them so they disappear and the child is left to basically fill the shoes of a shitty parent that they’ve never met.  Man up or pull out.  And again, this is going to get me shat on, but abortions do exist for a reason… (Did I really just say that? Yes, I did.)

7.  Thou shall learn to drive.

This isn’t a huge deal, but when was the last time you were in a good mood after being stuck in traffic surrounded by enlarged Hot Wheel cars and lifted trucks that think they own the road.  In my opinion, I’d be a much more relaxed person if I didn’t dread getting stuck around anymore Nascar fans on the highway.  I just think that if we drove cautiously but respectfully as opposed to cutting people (me) off or not letting civilians (me again) in the lane I need to be and just being a shit stain, it’d calm us all down about one aspect in our lives.  (Side note: why is it, the cars that always speed are mini vans? It’s always baffled me. Oh well…)

8.  Thou shall say what we think.

Seriously, don’t hold back.  If something’s bothering you, let it be known.  Venting makes you feel better about the day and the shitty situation you just endured that put you in that horrible mood.  Why else would I have a blog?

9.  Thou shall not get out of hand when drinking/doing drugs.

The worst of the worst: the belligerent idiots that think partying is their only escape.  While I partake and think it’s a blast, the people that get downright annoying/violent/emotional when they get fucked up is so irritating and eventually exhausting.  Whether it’s the violent ones that think everybody is giving them a dirty look, the annoying ones that are falling off of chairs or think they’re awesome because they’re piss wasted, or the emotional ones that think they’ll never find love or tear up over the memory of their pet turtle that died when they were four… I want to bundle you all together and send you into orbit.

Lastly…

10.  Thou shall not take religion seriously.

People: religion is what starts wars, uprisings, anarchy, etc.  Believe in something if that’s your cup o’ tea, but it’s become almost enforcing with how people treat their beliefs in religion that it is doing the exact opposite of the entire point.  The point of it all (real or fake), is to make you a better person and follow certain rules to be an outstanding citizen, not another preacher.  I’m good friends with all kinds of different belief-holders, why can’t you?

That’s it… I’m done… Venting complete.

Words of Wisdom:  If you can’t think of something nice to say, say it anyway.

Mazel Tov,

Christ

“It’s St. Patty’s Day… everybody’s Irish.”

So, it’s the first St. Patty’s Day since I’ve started this God forsaken cluster fuck of a shitty blog, and you know what I think?  I think it’s amazing.  From what I’ve heard, I’ve brought joy to people who have read this blog and it makes me happy.  If my woes entertain you to the point that you smile and forget about certain miserable aspects of your life, then so be it.  YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME.  I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am wasted.  Wait, I’m not wasted, because that doesn’t give my mental state enough credibility.  I am retardedly, third-world-country-pathetically, lower-IQ-than-a-pillow-case hammered.  I seriously wanted to use this post to express my deep love for Irish Car Bombs, but that’d be awkward due to the simple fact that I actually want to procreate with a beverage.  Eh, what do you care?  You’re reading this because you were bored (keyword = bored).  You are no longer bored and I will openly and gladly say, “you’re welcome.”  Well, that’s all from me at the moment because of the simple fact that I don’t remember writing any of the dribble that you have just read and felt enlightened from.  On that note, I wish you ado, and terribly hilarious things… because what’s the meaning of life without realizing that retarded people are here for our entertainment?  (I’ve said too much)

I hope your boner is as green as mine,

Christ

“Never Underestimate the Predictability of Stupidity”

I have recently come to the realization that mankind (at least in this country) is rapidly becoming denser by the day.  I can’t understand how this could’ve happen.  Haven’t we passed laws to force schools to leave “no child behind?”  That passed in the Dubya era in 2001.  As I type, I now realize why that’s not working; it was passed by somebody dumber than a chimpanzee.  Where did it all start?  Was it the 60s, when drugs became influential?  Was it ‘Nam, and Agent Orange is passed down somehow from generation to generation, fucking up our gene pools?  Maybe it was when Nascar was invented and everybody starting reversing the evolution trail we formerly progressed from and are now morphing into some retarded life form that will be pets to horses or become whale food (by the events a couple weeks ago, the latter is a good possibility).  Either way, I’m getting irritated by the growing stupidity taking over the country faster than Swine Flu (which is a good topic to branch off from).  The fact that so many people were terrified of Swine Flu, when the regular, common flu kills more people annually.  Not to mention, Swine Flu symptoms are almost identical to the regular flu, but nobody seemed to notice because they’re fucking imbeciles (instead they flock to the hospitals with flu-like symptoms and get diagnosed with H1N1 and buy as many prescriptions pills they need, because there really weren’t any drastic differences between the two).   I just don’t know how I feel about it.  I’ve noticed my blood pressure rising at how brainless we are becoming.  I guess that means that stupidity causes heart issues and a quicker, more painful death.  In turn, to all of the idiots reading this (which is highly impossible, since I use the english language correctly, for the most part), go read a book!  Shit, grab a piece of paper and try forming sentences.  You can even buy some flash cards and become amazed at how dumb you really are.  Two plus two does not equal chair, morons.  It’s getting harder and harder to comprehend how incompetent some of you actually are.

I have an example of such an idiot, because I figured you would want to know where such hostility is coming from.  I had a customer today who had called in previously to check out some rates on a hotel.  This time, she finally settled on her dates, which had an extra night on it compared to the last time she dialed us.  The price was the exact same, and the total this week was exactly $97.95 more than it was when she had first called because there was an extra night this time around.  When I told her the total price, she was curious as to why it went up in price.  As a person with common sense, I figured she was at work since it was a Monday morning at 9am, and was just busy and didn’t think about it (we’ve all had brain farts before).  When I politely responded that it was due to the fact that there was now nine nights as oppose to eight nights, that she formerly discussed with a colleague of mine, she was dumbfounded.  The lady seriously had no idea what I was saying, as if I was speaking in an unknown language of clicks and whistles.  ”How does that make sense?”  What do you say to somebody that is this unintelligent to get the difference between eight and nine (because you really only need to know simple adding and subtracting to understand this concept)?  I promise, this was no communication error on my part; the female was just that dim-witted to not understand it.  I even gave her a lesson in basic math and she still didn’t get it.  She finally asked, “how can I get it for the same rate as last week?”  My response was, “you can just reserve the room for eight nights instead, if you’d rather do that.” At about this moment, she called me an asshole, said I wasn’t “working with her,”  and proceeds to hang up on me.  Am I in the wrong?  Somebody please tell me.  That’s it.  I’m done.  I’ve wasted both of our times venting once again.  If you want your wasted time back, ask Obama.  He’s all about the people these days…

Words of Wisdom:   If the world ends in December of 2012, you have less than two years left.  Hope you’ve been worshipping the correct God.  If not, you’ll be heading to Hell, riding shotgun, and I’m the driver.

Thanks for wreeding, weadeeng, reedang, oh, fuck it… Thanks for stopping by,

Christ

Another Fallen Star

Happy Harriet Tubman Day!  (I’m not messing around; I can’t make this shit up)

So, Corey Haim died.  Am I the only person who saw the post on Google News titled “Celebrity Tributes Pour In For Haim?”  I found this amusing because of the simple question: why?  There’s no point.  When “The Two Coreys” show was on with him and the other long lost Corey (Feldman), did you really give a shit about him?  I’m guessing you skipped past that channel to surf around for something a little more entertaining (like an informercial about Oxy Clean).  And, besides The Lost Boys, was he really in anything else worth a damn?  I love it when celebrities die, because the majority of the population “grieve” with no real discernment.  Sure, Michael Jackson was a huge icon, but before he passed away, everybody called him a child molesting, Macaulay-Culkin-cuddling creepy son of a bitch.  Farrah Fawcett was the “butt” of every joke when it came to her ass cancer; that is, until it killed her (well, that did, mixed with the cocaine she was CLEARLY inhaling into that plastic nose of hers regularly).  Ed McMahon, too.  When was the last time you saw him on anything?  Most of you probably thought he was already dead (with good reason.  The guy was older than Dick Clark, if you can comprehend that).  I just never have understood the mentality behind people that care so much for a “superstar” that was spending more money on hookers, booze, blow, plastic surgery, and cuddle buddies (that one’s for you, MJ. RIP) than you’ll see in your entire existence.  And the most asinine thing is that you only care after they pass away, even though, prior to their demise, you throw dirt on their names and critique every facet of them.  I think the most valid response to a celebrity dying should be along the lines of what you would muster if you hit a raccoon with your vehicle.  Anyway, I’m not going to continue with the topic any longer, because it’s pointless.  You “mourners” are pathetic.  On a different topic, I’m going to stop writing and watch License To Drive while Thriller plays in the background and I masturbate repeatedly to the poster I have of Farrah Fawcett.

PS – Wait! I completely forgot about Brittany Murphy.  Which, I guess makes sense, because so did society.

Words of Wisdom:  There are two types of girls in this world: Those who masturbate, and those who think we overlook the fact that they shower for 30 minutes.

Ingenuously yours,

Christ

Douche nozzles that (think they) are better than me.

So, I noticed heavy traffic on the way home from work, and waited for my turn to enter the lane on National tonight.  Then, after I finally found an opening to merge into the correct lane, some blonde, middle-aged cunt decides to get in the lane next to mine (which is blocked off for construction) and proceeds to try to inch her way in front of my vehicle.  When I (being a upstanding citizen/douche bag) didn’t let her in, I immediately get a glimpse of a bird, chirping from within her driver’s side window.  Now, if it was any other situation, I’d gladly let her in, but this bitch clearly knows what she’s doing.  If you are in Springfield, MO, and you do NOT know about the construction there, you clearly have an extra chromosome and drool on yourself every five minutes.  To add to all of this, she’s on her phone, with a cigarette in the other hand that she so nicely gave me the finger with.  You’re driving a BMW knockoff (in actuality, it’s one of those awkward looking Crossfire twat-mobiles), and I’m in the middle of looking for a new car to buy.  In laymen’s terms: I don’t care about my Lancer enough to dismiss t-boning the shit out of you and your fancy (gay) car, lady.  Oh well, I hope her husband is cheating on her while spending all of her money on his mistress.  Either that, or just ends her with a quick and painless drowning in the tub after she yells at him numerous times for another bottle of (insert your favorite wine here).  People like her make me extremely grateful I personally know the people I do.

Words of wisdom:  Unless you were born in a test tube, you have touched your mom’s vagina before.  I’m just saying…

I may or may not mean it when I say “sincerely yours,”

Christ